My Running has Become a Millennial

Some of y'all know this and some of y'all don't.......So let me clear my throat!  I'm feeling a bit like DJ Kool right now! haha!

  

 

You millennials won't get that reference.  No honestly, I need to clear my throat.  Probably several times as I write this.  This isn't gonna be a fun one to write. 

Last Saturday, I walked to the start line of the Indianapolis Monumental Marathon.  My training leading up to the race had been good, not great.  I struggled through the summer heat and had a couple of bad, shorter races.  That said, I felt in the past month I had built a good bit of both fitness and confidence.  I was as prepared physically as I've ever been for a race.  It was an absolutely perfect weather day for racing.  A day like I haven't seen since 2013 in Chicago.  

The gun goes off, I run a slow'ish first mile and then find a groove.  I don't feel as though I'm working hard at all, 7:11, 6:54, 6:46, 6:45.  I'm chatting with Kevin, who happens to be right behind me pacing the 3:05 group.  .....and all of a sudden the thought runs through my head that I'm not doing this today.  A mile later, still on pace, I look for Tricia and decide that if I see her, I'm quitting. Where the heck is she?  What the hell?  I keep running, another good mile and then BAM!  I'm on the side of the street..........Done.  I quit!  I turn and wave at Kevin, tell him to have a good race and to keep it up.  What kind of freaking hypocrite am I???  7 miles in and I'm standing there as a spectator.  Margaret Jones runs by......"Hagan, you ok?"  Yep, I'm good.  I ask a spectator to borrow a phone to text Tricia to tell her I'm done and begin walking back to the hotel. 

I've spent the last 4-5 days beating myself up over this.  What has happened to me as a runner?  When it comes to running, I've become a millennial.  There's an excuse, with a plausible argument, for every run that goes bad.  As a runner, I've become what, as a person, I despise.  I've become the guy that will take all the credit when things go great, but if it's a tough day, it ain't my fault. I've stopped owning responsibility for my own failures.  Something else is the problem.  The heat and humidity......the remodel of my house...........I didn't sleep well.........I just don't want to be here. 

As a point of self-reflection, it's important to me to try to identify where this slide started.  Amazingly enough, I think it all started following the most successful day of my running life.  October 10, 2013.  Chicago Marathon.  I run my marathon PR by 19 minutes and qualify for Boston the first time.  As I was running today, I started chronicling the excuses I've used for my performances.......here's a sampling.

• 2013 - Rocket City Marathon (DNS) - Raining, This was my 'B' race, I already qualified for Boston
• 2014 - New York - Cold, 25-40 MPH winds (this one might actually be legit), logistics suck
• 2015 - Naples Half-Marathon - Too hot to race hard
• 2015 - Boston - Cold, rainy, windy
• 2015 - Franklin Classic - Stomach issues (I ate Hot Chicken 2 days before), Hot.
• 2016 - Boston - HOT (It was 60 degrees.  That ain't hot!!)
• 2016 - Watertown Half - Humid, it's a training run, I don't want to be doing this
• 2016 - Indianapolis (DNF) - My summer training was terrible, I've got no confidence, I don't want to be here. 

It goes beyond just race day.  It goes to the daily runs as well.  When doing interval work, if I'm running faster than pace, great!!  When it starts to hurt, rather than miss my pace, I'll stop to catch my breath.  On hot days this past summer, I'd slow down when approaching a traffic light hoping it would change to keep me from crossing just so I could stop.  Or, even if I could cross, would stop anyway just because I wasn't feeling it.   The long run..........pshhhh!  I bailed out more this summer than Free At Last Bail Bonds.  Do I get the same number of miles as I would if I executed the way I should, yes.  What I miss though is the confidence to know that I can push through when things get tough.

So, how the heck do I get out of this horrible habit and start owning my success AND failures?  Andy Grove, the former CEO of Intel, said "Success breeds complacency.  Complacency breeds failure.  Only the paranoid survive."  I've said before that I've gotten complacent with my running.  I've achieved things that most won't dare attempt.  I'd say that even among runners, I've achieved a state of 'accomplished' as an age-group athlete.  Heck, on a good day this past summer, I actually won a small 5k in my hometown.  And, for what its worth, there were no excuses on that day.  What I had not considered until reading his quote is that my complacency has bred my failure. 

For me, getting out of this habit begins with a reminder about why I started running and then clearly identifying my goals.  I must be brutally honest with myself about how committed I am to achieving those goals.  

I started running because I was eating poorly & drinking too much, I was over-weight, and life, as I know it now, was running away without me (no pun intended).  I decided to do "something absolutely ridiculous to get into shape." I'll never forget the day I registered for my first marathon and the feeling of 'What did I just do???"  The feeling of excitement that followed for the monumental challenge of a marathon.  Nor will I ever forget the first thought that went through my head when I crossed the finish line.  "I CAN DO THAT FASTER!!!!"

My goals today are a lot different than they were when I started running.  Today, there are basically two goals.  The first is to always be in good enough shape that I can run a half-marathon tomorrow.  Not necessarily for a great time, but that I can actually do it.  The second is to be able to run Boston any year that I want.  This goal........uhhh, it requires WORK!  It requires that I find a way to mature as a runner and accept responsibility and ownership for both my successes and failures.  It requires that I remember or re-learn how to push through when things get tough. 

How committed am I to these goals?  Its a good thing I'm answering this today.  Last Saturday, I was finished with running for a month or two, and was seriously evaluating if I wanted to even make the trip to Boston in April.  Those who know me best, know that when I experience a failure, there's usually a 'Redemption Race'.  After I finished beating myself up for a 4-5 days, I registered for that Redemption Race.  In a month, I'll toe the line again in Huntsville at the Rocket City Marathon.  Ironic it's the first in the list of the 'excuse' races.    I hope I'm able to find the determination I took with me to the start line in Chicago in 2013.  I hope that I'm able to work my way out of this excuse making habit.

 

I sent to my coach a screenshot of my race registration confirmation.  He asked if I was getting a bit of the fire back.  My response was a resounding yes, in very clear, direct and explicit terms!  I'm a grown-ass man and need to start acting like it.  Especially when it comes to doing something I love. 

I don't know if anyone will read this or not, but let's assume for a minute that all my friends do......I need everyone to hold me accountable to this.  Do not coddle me.  Call me out on my BS!  The excuse making guy is not me and it's darn sure no who I want to be.  

I am responsible for and own the effort that I put into every workout.
I am responsible for and own the success AND the failure of those workouts.

I am responsible for and own the effort I put forth on race day!
If I do all these well, the results will take care of themselves.  

Let's hope the next time I write, we're talking about successes again.